Tearing at my flesh- A Poem (TRIGGER WARNING)

BEFORE YOU READ THIS, PLEASE BE AWARE THAT IT COULD BE A TRIGGER IF YOU SELF-HARM. I DO NOT WANT TO TRIGGER ANYONE AND AM MERELY TRYING TO GET MY OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS TOGETHER.

It’s tearing up inside me
This pain that radiates
Causes my depression to
Tumble into darkness
My fingers seek out
Traditional ways to
Concentrate the pain
But my heart reminds
Me of a promise that
I solemnly made
I ache for some control
In this crazy world
Stimming helps
But is not enough
At times it’s all I can
Do not to pull at my
Own skin and watch
The blood form as
Nails dig into flesh
I made a promise
Which I intend to
Keep even though
My mind and body
Scream as if to
Break it once
And for all
But it’s a promise
I cannot and
Will not break
And so I allow
The stims to flow
I sketch and write
I read and play
Games in the hope
That the desire
To mutilate flesh
Recedes for one
More difficult day
Her words remind
Me that to tear
Skin from muscle
Hurts not just me
But her as well
She gave me truth
I did not ask for
Trusted me to
Carry on my
Current path and
Stay away from that
Which tears us both
Into a million shreds
It’s a difficult
Path to follow when
Pain not of my own
Pulses through
My body and
Leaves me unable
To do the simplest
Of my daily tasks
Without sobbing
Or faltering to stand
But in not giving
In to temptation
I am maintaining
Some semblance
Of control and
That is what I
Need to remind
Myself of when
I want to scratch

(C) N.A. Le Brun/scribblenubbin 2016

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