I’ve been dealing with a particularly nasty case of sinusitis this week that has come hand in hand with a suspected inner ear infection and vertigo. The vertigo is making standing a bit of a nightmare…. actually make that a complete nightmare. You know that feeling when you’re drunk and the room spins and you want to throw up? Add in double vision and the fact I’m tripping over my own feet and you’ve got an idea of what it is I’m facing currently. I already have spacial awareness difficulties from my Irlen Syndrome, so adding in the Vertigo is making life a little interesting to say the least.
Being sick has left me contemplating memories from the past, mostly good ones, memories of school, of times spent with SJ growing up and numerous other moments that have engrained themselves on my memory. Ones that have taken me by surprise and left me grinning. But ones that are also tinged with sadness. Ones that remind me of what I’ve lost, what I went through in silence. Ones that remind me how lucky I am to be where I am now, even if they hurt like hell at the time. I find myself missing Mum right now, and missing others, not just those who have passed but people who are alive. I can’t believe it’s been a year since I returned to the island. And I’ve come to accept that certain promises that were made have not been kept. It’s time to move on. It was good to be able to reminisce and look back at good times, but I guess sometimes things just change too much and that’s ok too. I’m not the person I was and neither are others. We share a common past, but our present is individual and not shared. I choose to let go of the desire to try and build those bridges again, I am not going to be the one chasing down doors and hunting. I will let them do that if they want to contact me.
The earache that comes with being sick has messed with my sleeping patterns as well. Lying down causes the earache to worsen as the pressure in my sinuses builds up and it causes my chest to tighten with my asthma and not being able to breathe through my nose. It’s annoying as hell. And it’s that lack of proper sleep combined with hormones that’s making me a bit of an emotional wreck right now. I’m crying over the smallest things, and some of them don’t even make sense…. I cried at a toilet roll advert earlier because it had cute puppies in it. Yes that is the level of emotion I’m currently at. And laugh if you may those that have never experienced a period, but this is what hormones can do to us without sickness, being ill at the same time is pretty much like setting off a ticking time bomb. I’m a boi who just wants to be hugged by hir Mum tonight, even though logically I know that she’ll never be able to hold me again. She hasn’t in 14 and a half years and never will again.